1. They try to suck you head out with kissing
“Once I slept with a guy who kissed like a vacuum cleaner. He straight up suction cupped my mouth, and the more I pulled away, the more he stuck onto me. He then bit my nipple in half, and that took a week to heal…”
2. Interrupting blowjob with talk about their day
“During a blowjob, she kept stopping every two minutes to chat about how her day went.”
3. First experience of kissing down under
“As I started to slowly go downtown on her: ‘what are you kissing me down there for?’ I told her to just relax and enjoy. Later in the evening (well after the event) she asked if we could do ‘that thing’ again next time….”
4. Fingering so hard that it ended up in crying session (Sad one)
“I’m the idiot that did this one. On my first sexual encounter, I fingered a girl. I thought the deeper in I shoved my fingers in her vagina, the better it would feel. I made her cry… For the 30 minutes after it took to drive her home. Not a great experience.”
5. When they squeeze your boobs like a pair of stress balls.
“While making out, he put his hands up my shirt, grabbed my boobs… and squeezed them both really hard. Like a pair of stress balls. He was very confused when I started howling in pain, and that left some interesting bruises.”
6. When they squeeze your balls hard and make you cry.
“I went on a date with a girl in high school who was supposed to be experienced. We started making out, and she started squeezing my balls so hard I nearly cried. I thought she knew what she was doing, and I had no idea… so I went with it.”
7. When they bite the dick
“Biting my dick because you think I’ll like it.”
8. When they don’t know where their clitoris is.
“I had to show my girlfriend (who was well into her 20’s) where her clitoris was and how to masturbate.
The funniest part was she diddled herself every chance she got after that for about a month. Her roommate sarcastically thanked me for all the extra noise in the apartment.”
9. When they don’t know the difference between cumming and peeing.
“Was trying to make a girl come for the first time in her life. She’s getting all worked up when suddenly she yells out ‘I HAVE TO PEE!’ She darts to the bathroom and tries to pee for a few minutes unsuccessfully. She was climaxing but thought she was going to piss herself.”
10. When they put condom backwards.
“He put the condom on backwards and couldn’t figure out how to roll it down. I told him it was okay and showed him the proper way to put it on.
I’m still with him over a year later, he got better.”
11. When they don’t have any rhythm in their thrusts.
“Not really finding much of a rhythm. Neither as two people working as one, or even one finding a rhythm of their own. Jerky, uncoordinated.”
12. When they can’t tell the difference between a vagina and anus.
“Religious friends were newly married and having trouble getting pregnant. Lots of doctor visits and two months later found that they were doing anal.”
13. When they don’t understand feedback.
“Ignoring my feedback instead of listening to what I have to say. I promise you, champ, you don’t know my body better than me and acting like you do makes you look like an insecure jerk.”
14. When they mistake pre-cum for semen.
“So my last GF was a virgin. No big deal, I said I respected that and I did. All I asked was that she never put the offer on the table unless she was serious.
Long story short, she started throwing stuff around like it was gonna go down. Pretty much all she did was put her hand down my pants and do maybe 3 half strokes. There was a little pre-cum and she’s like ‘wow you came a lot.’ She was still a virgin when we broke up.
15. When they give you a handjob like they’re trying to control a crashing helicopter.
“One of my first girlfriends gave me a handjob that was like she was trying to control a crashing helicopter. It was terrible. I went soft in the middle. We broke up shortly after.”
16. When they rub your vagina like sanding a block of wood.
“He rubbed my vagina like he was sanding a block of wood. I was so fuck raw after that shit.”
17. When they’re completely unaware of the male orgasmic refractory period.
“First time having sex and I went down on a guy like right after he came. He kind of laughed and was like ‘umm, nothing is going to happen for a while.’”
18. When they dart their tongue like a lizard during kissing.
“We would make out and he would dart his tongue in and out like a lizard. He had a girlfriend before me so I thought I was in safe territory but apparently he was never corrected on his kissing technique.”
42. When they think cumming and having an orgasm are two different things.
“I said I was gonna cum—my girlfriend at the time (20yo) said she’d rather make me orgasm.”
31. When they don’t realize that ‘cuddling’ for six hours means you want to have sex.
“Girl invited me over at 11:00PM to watch movies. Drove over and we made out and cuddled until 5:00AM. Afterwards she told me she saw me more as a friend and we stopped hanging out.
I feel like such an idiot that I didn’t see that she wanted do the sex, and I could’ve gotten some o dat.”
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